SEXUAL ADDICTION
Karen J. Gless, Ph.D.

I first met Lisa when she came in for couple counseling with her husband.  From their outer appearance they were an average, happy couple.  But Lisa and George hid a deep, dark secret.  It seemed like their sex life was all right except that George had occasional erection problems, which they both blamed on the stress of his job.  Like a lot of people they avoided discussing their feelings about sex.

The problem started to come out when Lisa discovered a huge phone bill because George had been calling 900 phone sex numbers.  When Lisa confronted him, he admitted that for sometime he felt driven to masturbate in unusual places, fortunately without being caught.  Lisa was beside herself.  She felt embarrassed, hurt, angry and confused.

George and Lisa were not the first couple I had seen in therapy because of compulsive sexual behavior.   I had seen many others and all seemed to express the underlying problem in a different way.  Some sexually exposed themselves in public, some sought out prostitutes, others had a multitude of lovers.  But whatever the behavior, they all experience a basic emptiness inside that they are trying to fill with compulsive, risky sexual activity.  The cause of the emptiness may be depression, low self-esteem, attempting to counteract feelings of guilt or negative childhood sexual experiences.

In therapy George and Lisa found a safe place to talk about things they had never let themselves discuss before.  In addition to poor self-esteem and intense guilt, George had depression.  His depression caused him to be angry with Lisa and he used this to rationalize his behaviors.  By being honest with himself, George soon discovered a renewed sense of self and a closeness with Lisa he never thought possible.  He stopped his compulsive behavior and went on to have a happier marriage than they had before these troubles began.

I have also worked with many individuals who thought they had a sexual addiction problem, but really all they needed was adequate information to know they were quite normal. 

For example, an 18 year old with a healthy libido may masturbate twice a day.  If he is socially active, engages in sports and gets good grades  in school, his behavior would be normal for this time in his life.

Some therapists say there is no such thing as an addiction to sex and the problem is really compulsive behavior, but it doesn't matter what you call it, the problem can be devastating to a relationship.

How do you distinguish between normal sexuality and compulsive or addictive sex?

Addictive sex is not determined so much by the amount of sexual activity, which can vary from person to person, but by how it fits in a person's life.  Is it a pleasurable expression or are you trying to fill some empty space inside yourself?   Take the same 18 year old.  If he had told me he stayed home to masturbate instead of having a normal social life I would have said his sexual behavior was compulsive.

Evaluation

If you are concerned that you or your mate might have problems with sexual addiction or compulsive behavior, the following questions can be helpful in identifying potential problems.

Do you feel your sex drive is completely out of your contro

• Do you often feel empty or bad, especially after orgasm?
• Are you doing something illegal just so you can feel sexually excited?
• Are you consumed by sexual thoughts and feelings, yet are way beyond your teens?
• Would you be embarrassed to disclose the amount of sexual behavior or the kinds of sexual behavior you engage in? If you answered "yes" to two or more of the above questions, you or your mate may have a problem with compulsive or addictive sexual behavior.  The best way to find out for certain is to discuss your concerns with a professional therapist.
  

Spring is on its way and I can't think of a better time to spruce up your love nest with important love rituals, especially if you don't already have love rituals between the two of you.  So what are these love rituals anyway?  They are a way of celebrating the special and everyday events in your relationship and the importance of your love for each other in your lives.  Most couples have some special activities on Valentines Day, but just having coffee and a sweet roll together in the morning can be a ritual

Rituals are very important in our lives. Couples bond through shared ritual, creating memories that remind us of our connection and love for each other.  Anniversary of the first date, first year, holiday activities that are made special, these days are filled with rituals, but a couple that wants a happy, strong relationship needs to make room in each day for love rituals.

FINDING YOUR RITUALS
What are some of these love rituals?  How you greet one another after you have been away from each other, such as a kiss and a hug, or how you say goodby when you are leaving for the day.  Also, how you celebrate such things as birthdays, anniversaries or other meaningful events like a pay raise or a promotion and how you expect to spend any of your holidays together. They are things like eating supper together or going running together.  These all are love rituals that we have with each other. 

With a ritual in place we often automatically do the activity without being fully aware of the real significance it has in our lives but it enriches our lives on a deeper level.  Often when couples come together they have each grown up with different family rituals or, in these busy times, their families had few rituals.  As a couple it can be very useful to make a ritual of those things that help you connect more deeply with each other.

REVIEWING THE DAY
One valuable ritual is called The Review of the Day ritual.  When do the two of you discuss each other's plans for the day?  When do you talk about what transpired that day?  How well do you keep up to date with each other.  How much do you know about your partner's everyday life?  The more you know the more you understand and the better you will do in keeping your love alive.

This is a ritual that allows you to connect to each other or as I like to call it being able to "walk in each other's shoes."   It is a really good idea to ritualize this activity by specifically setting aside time each day to go over each othe's schedule, discuss the activities of that day and debrief with each other at the end of the day.   I especially like the review at the end of the day ritual because it allows time for more intense contact and a sharing of feelings instead of a simple exchange of events that may have occurred during the day. 

CELEBRATING YOUR LOVE
Set aside time to get together at the end of the day, share something to eat or drink and tell each other what has happened.  Really listen to each other and be interested in what happened and how your partner felt as all this was happening.  This is a chance to remove the stress of the day and make the transition to being together.  After a while it becomes addictive and the two of you will look forward to that special time together.  Then it is a real love ritual.

Once you get the hang of it, you will find all sorts of opportunities for love rituals.  One couple I know pays the bills together each month and then has a glass of wine to celebrate.  Another couple has a ritual for getting ready to go exercising by slapping hands and saying, "Let's go," as they head out the door.  Create your own love rituals and you will be very pleased at the way they contribute to the strength and happiness in your relationship. 

Karen Gless, Ph.D. is a Marriage and Family Therapist, an author and a Registered Nurse with over 20 years experience in the field of medicine.  She has developed her own research based approach to couples counseling called Couples Emotional Process Therapy (CEPT).